Friday, October 10, 2014

I=YOU


Did I tell you I will be ok without you?

Did I lead you into believing that I shall remain intact, my insides in order, even if you were not there to hold my hand every day?

Did I actually ask you to leave, without forcing myself on your path? Smiling, did I tell you that physical absence didn't count where conscience is united?

Was I the one to have guided you on the other hand of the fork, urging you to have faith in the beauty of our union, and the tremendous power inherent in it.

Did I really possess the power to hold your gorgeous face in the cusp of my hands, your milky complexion reddened with grief, moments before we parted, saying I’ll send the kisses through the moon?

You see, I’m updating my restraint diary. I’ve a feeling I’ve been doing a splendid job, managing to breathe, live, behave and love with nearly the same panache.

No, it’s not sadness. I do remember your single-minded desire for me to be happy, and so I settle for a state of being between happiness and sadness. A suspended animation of nothingness.

A sort of routine that forbids crying because of a particular person’s overwhelming concern with my tears. To the extent that tears feel ashamed to trickle.

So even when longing is exploding every grain in my being, blurring my brain, clouding my eyes, deafening my ears…a sigh escapes from the corner of my lips, barely audible, before congealing in a defeated smile.

Strange are the ways in which love alters us. Including our biology.

So you see, I’ve settled for the promises you wanted me to make. What you’ll be pleased to note is that I’ve also made you those promises that you wouldn't make me utter. For I know what you want. And that knowledge is more than enough for me.

Lover is a small thing. I’m your devotee.

Go on, want more from me. I will meet every expectation with aplomb. I will collect my splinters and present a whole. Catastrophe will return from my door unaccomplished. If you desire that I embark upon the path of illumination, I will return a sage, even if alone.

My heart might be bleeding, my spirits sagging, every part of me torn asunder with the singular desire to be with you, but there will be no stopping me, from getting what you want. Because the only thing I value above you, is your word.

I will chase your vision to the point that I become a reflection of you. And there my worshipped, no one and nothing, will stand between us.

2 comments:

  1. Go on, want more from me. I will meet every expectation with aplomb. I will collect my splinters and present a whole. Catastrophe will return from my door unaccomplished.

    Ameen !

    जब जब तुम्हारे ऐसे लेखों को पढ़ता हूँ तो लगता है कि तुम्हारी पीड़ा एक रिसते जख़्म की तरह है जो कभी सूखती नहीं। रह रह कर जब ये घाव असहनीय हो जाता है तो शब्द रूपी मवाद तुम्हारी लेखनी में उतर आता है जिसे पढ़कर कोई भी कातर हो उठे।

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    Replies
    1. And each time, I am amazed to notice how perfectly you understand the exact intention of these words. As though you have walked the path of the author with your own feet. Such understanding! Touched.

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